


Confronting the Past

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst, Disturbing Imagery or Content, F/M, Post Bartlett Administration, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-08-30
Updated: 2008-08-30
Packaged: 2019-05-30 09:50:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 9,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15094253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: An upcoming event for Presidemt Santos triggers deep rooted memories and emotions for Josh. He must face the tragedies of his family in Europe in WW2





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

Timeline: Post S7: Towards the end of Santos’ first year in office

Rating: R for sexual references

A/N: If you’re looking for drama and plot twists, this isn’t it. It will be angsty but is more of a personal journey type of story, if that makes sense.

Feedback: Yes please, I always love to hear from you!

Disclaimers: Characters etc belong to Sorkin and Wells, but we're  
looking after them really, really well!

 

Chapter 1

Donna slowly emerged from a deep sleep. She was still groggy and heavy lidded when she became aware that the solid body of warmth she’d got used to sleeping alongside of these past months, was missing. She couldn’t help but smile to herself as she realized, yet again, how quickly she’d got used to sharing a bed with Josh. She knew from experience that it’s not as simple as the romance novels would have you believe – who sleeps on what side, do either of them snore, toss and turn, steal the covers, sleep buried under the covers or with their arms on top. However, she and Josh had experienced few problems in adjusting and any issue had quickly been resolved. Even if they didn’t always sleep entangled in each other, Josh’s warm body was always closer to her than to his side of the bed. So when she woke and noticed his absence she was concerned.

Donna got out of bed and saw a faint light emanating from the kitchen. Walking in she saw Josh sitting quietly at the table, hands wrapped around a mug.

“Sorry, did I wake you? I tried to be quiet.”

Donna came up behind him and ran both hands over his shoulders and around his chest as she kissed the top of his head. “No, I just missed you.”

Josh brought a hand up to cover Donna’s. Her words made him smile as he again appreciated her presence in his life.

“I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep so I thought some warm milk might help,” he said, indicating the mug on the table.

“Something on your mind?”

“No, nothing in particular. Something woke me and I couldn’t go back to sleep. No biggie.” He reassured her.

“Are you sure?” Donna asked.

“Yep,” he replied as Donna moved around to sit on his lap. She ran her fingers through his hair whispering in his ear “Well, seeing as we’re both awake…”

Josh moaned as she ran her tongue in and around his ear. He reached up, pulled her head away and then leaned into kiss her. There was nothing gentle in this kiss. Their mouths immediately opened to each other and their tongues met. Eventually they broke apart, panting not only from the building passion but also from the intensity. As Josh gazed into her smouldering eyes, he stood up, lifting Donna with him. He carried her into the bedroom and placed her on the bed. Joining her, their lips came together again as they frantically clawed at each other desperate to get closer. There was nothing tender about their lovemaking that night. It was raw and urgent and taking the lead from Josh, Donna matched him in intensity. As they rode each other to their climax, they collapsed in a sweaty tangle of limbs.

“Wow,” Donna hoarsely said.  
“Yeah,” Josh panted in agreement.  
Their lovemaking reflected many moods but tonight Josh had wanted to lose himself in Donna. He didn’t know why, it was something basic and primal in him that over rode all feelings. And Donna, amazing woman that she was, tuned to him as always, had somehow sensed this in him and had been equally as enthusiastic.

As they drifted off to sleep, Josh was still aware that something was eating away at him. He just didn’t know what.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I’m not Jewish, I don’t know anyone who’s Jewish so I’ve relied on research to answer some questions. So I’ve chosen for Josh to know phrases in Yiddish. If I’ve got it wrong, I apologise. Yiddish is not the language associated with the practise of the Jewish faith.

Chapter 2

Over the following weeks, Josh’s disturbed sleep patterns had become an almost nightly occurrence. He would wake in the early hours of the morning and unwilling to disturb Donna with his tossing and turning, would retreat to the sofa. That’s where Donna would find him, when the emptiness of their bed woke her. Each time Josh was unable to articulate what it was exactly that was bothering him but it was obvious something was preying on his mind. No amount of gentle questioning on Donna’s part could unlock the answer to this puzzle. More often than not these dark hours conversations would end in sex. Not that either of them were complaining but it was clear that Josh was using this as a means of forgetting whatever it was that was disturbing him. Nothing matched the intensity and passion of the first time this occurred but on occasion the force of his thrusts were driven by an emotion he couldn’t define.  
But there were also the tender times when they moved slowly against each other, eyes locked. Donna could see the love in his eyes as he whispered words to her she’d spent years dreaming of. As for Josh, he was attempting to tap into Donna’s gentleness, compassion and in some ways, innocence.

One night Donna was woken by Josh, thrashing around in bed. The nightmare he was in was playing on his face and the whimpers only ended when he shouted her name, followed by words she could only assume were Yiddish. Donna reached out and shook him awake, smoothing down his bed hair. Gradually his eyes focused on her and he pulled her into a fierce hug.

“Tell me about it,” Donna quietly asked.

“Nothing specific. There was more a feeling of darkness and you’ll think this sounds totally crazy, but evil.”

Donna was concerned. This didn’t sound like the type of nightmare she’d witnessed in the past.

“You called out something. I couldn’t understand it but I think it was in Yiddish.”

“I did?” Josh was genuinely surprised. He was not a religious man and hadn’t actively practiced his faith in years. Where had that come from?

“I suppose some things are so deeply ingrained, it can pop out at the most unusual times,” he attempted to smile. “Don’t suppose you can remember what I said?”

“My ability to hear a phrase in a language in which I am not fluent and then repeat it seems to be on the fritz. Next time you feel the need to speak in tongues give me some advance warning and I’ll a) be awake and b) record it.”

“You don’t have to sass me,” Josh retorted.

“I’m not,” Donna sighed apologetically. “But I am worried about you.”

Josh lay back down, pulling Donna into his arms. Kissing her on the forehead he said “You don’t have to worry. As long as I’ve got you I’m fine.”

Donna wasn’t sure how to help Josh but in order for him to avoid having a full blown nutty, the likes of which hadn’t been seen since the Transition, she knew she needed to help him uncork the subconscious build up of tension. Talking to Josh had been unproductive. Nothing was worrying him, work wasn’t unusually stressful or demanding, their relationship was fine. Nothing!

The next day she dropped by Sam’s office.

“Hi Donna. What brings you to this side of the building?” Sam smiled up at her.

“Have you got 5 minutes?” she asked hesitatingly.

“Do you need to even ask? Of course I’ve got time for one of my best friends. What’s up?”

Donna’s voice cracked as she said “I’m worried about Josh. He’s not sleeping and is even having nightmares. He says he doesn’t know what’s triggering this and I believe him. I’d do anything to ease his mind but how can I when I don’t know what the cause is?”

Sam looked at her appraisingly. No matter how Donna had changed over recent times, her care and devotion to her man was as strong as ever. It was clear she was distressed by her feelings of uselessness.

Donna continued, “Is there anything going on here that he hasn’t told me about?” She held up her hand as Sam drew breath to reply. “I know he can’t tell me everything but if you could simply say ‘Donna, there’s something big brewing’, I’d have an idea of how to support him.”

“Seriously Donna, there’s nothing. It’s still the same crazy work pressured environment it always was. I haven’t noticed any major changes in Josh. A little quiet perhaps but is that a bad thing?” Sam tried to bring a little laughter to Donna. “Maybe he’s just tired?”

“He is Sam. Most nights he wakes up after only a few hours of sleep and sits on the sofa watching TV. He manages to fall back asleep only after we…”

This time Sam held up his hand in warning. “I’m gonna stop you right there,“ he smiled. “There are just some mental pictures best friends don’t need.”

Donna got up from behind her chair and giving Sam a backward glance retorted. “Luckily we’re only talking mental pictures. The real ones are locked in our safe.”

Sam choked on his coffee as she smiled cheekily and exited his office. The chat with Sam had been unproductive. Time to go straight to the top – Margaret.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Donna knocked as she entered Margaret’s work space. She didn’t really need to do that but she was still having trouble redefining the boundaries of their friendship. For years they were bound by their devotion to their bosses and the bond of carrying their secrets. But Donna had moved beyond that and at times they were still on uncertain ground. Margaret’s devotion was to a new boss now, a boss that Donna was equally devoted to. That in itself should be enough to forge a bond.

Donna slipped back into their easy chatter “How are you? Have you got a new picture of your son?”

“Sure,” Margaret the ever proud mother couldn’t say no. But her assistant’s radar was telling her Donna wasn’t here for a social chat. What she had to determine was Donna’s motive and if it was something from which Margaret needed to protect the office of CoS.

They idly chatted before Donna casually asked “Can I see a copy of Josh’s schedule from the last few weeks?”

This was all old news so Margaret saw no harm in handing over the requested document. Besides she knew Donna saw Josh’s schedule daily – no secrets here.

With a well-trained eye Donna scanned through the pages searching for anything that could be perceived to be unsettling. But she came up with nothing.

Dejectedly she handed it back. There were no meetings or appointments or events that she felt were causing Josh’s problems. Margaret saw the slump of Donna’s shoulders and couldn’t help but ask “Everything alright?”

“Hm. I guess. I’m just looking for a clue to help me solve a ‘Josh problem’.”

Margaret smiled. Now this was a situation with which she was familiar – Donna trying to help Josh.

“Would it help to see his advance schedule? I’ve got it here for the next few months.”

Donna smiled broadly. She had been so focused on looking for something that had “happened” she hadn’t bothered to look for something that was about to happen – something that Josh was unknowingly anxious about.

She ran her finger down the pages, registering the things that were to keep Josh busy for the next few months. Nothing was looking too ominous until she noticed one event, listed for late January. Donna hesitated. She didn’t think this would be sufficient to cause Josh’s insomnia and nightmares but it was possible it was tapping into some deep rooted and unresolved issues. He wouldn’t be the first and he surely wouldn’t be the last. If this was the root of the problem she would have to tread carefully.

“Find what you’re looking for?” Margaret asked curiously.

“Maybe. Thanks for your help.” Donna smiled at her friend.

Donna left Margaret’s office feeling conflicted. She may have identified the problem but she had no idea how to fix it.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: I haven’t explained something. When I was planning out this story I did the maths and the idea of Josh having a grandfather as a young adult in the 1940’s is a bit of a stretch of the imagination, if we use the time line of TWW and the age we know Josh to be. For the benefit of the narrative I wanted to tell, I took some artistic license with this. If my lack of explanation has caused you to beat your head against the computer in frustration, I apologise! So don’t try to work out ages etc – it will just make your head hurt! The purpose of this story is to explore something I can’t recall any other fan fiction exploring. And an important word there is fiction…

Chapter 4

Josh and Donna were both home at a reasonable time and had enjoyed a relaxing dinner. As they collapsed on the sofa, Donna reached for the remote and turned off the TV. 

“Hey, I was watching that,” Josh protested.

“No, you weren’t,” Donna confidently stated.

“Yes, I was”.

“No, you had the volume up long enough to register what they were debating but you and I both know that was only a prelude for you falling asleep, head back, mouth open.”

“You wound me. I do not fall asleep with my mouth open.”

“Whatever. I thought we could talk.”

“Ok, I don’t know what I’ve done but I’m sorry,” Josh quickly offered.

Donna looked puzzled. “What are you talking about?”

“When a woman say ‘we have to talk’ it drives fear into a man’s heart. It usually means something is very wrong. So I thought I’d just jump right in and apologize.”

Donna reached out to run her fingers through his hair. “Silly. Nothing’s wrong. It’s just with us at different ends of the building and being so tired at night we don’t get as much time as we used to, to just sit and talk about stuff.”

“Stuff?”

“Yeah, stuff.”

“You want me to talk about stuff?”

“Well, I’ll go first if you like.”

“This should be good. OK, you first,” Josh said getting into the swing of it.

“Tell me about your grandfather.”

The silence was deafening. Josh had been expecting something frivolous, not a question that couldn’t easily be misdirected.

“I’ve told you about him,” Josh said warily.

“Yeah, but not for a long time. And as your family is my family, I want to get to know their history better.”

Josh couldn’t help but smile at Donna, unconsciously stating her commitment to their relationship.

“He was born in Germany, right? Hamburg?”

“Yeah, he and my grandmother came to America shortly after the war ended in Europe. They married here, raised their family, ran a successful business and saw their children achieve in ways they never could have imagined.”

“And their grandson too. When did he die?”

“My last year at Harvard. I still miss him. We used to talk about all sorts of things. He always had time for me. Gave me lots of advice about women,” Josh smirked.

“Which you either ignored or the advice was really bad,” Donna countered.

“Hey!” Josh was indignant.

“Seriously though, you missed one part.” Donna felt him tense up.

“Hm, which bit?” said Josh trying to sound nonchalant.

“The war years,” Donna stated quickly.

Josh paused before quietly replying, “What’s there to tell? You know he was interred in Birkenau and survived.”

“Yes, and for that I’m eternally grateful. If he hadn’t survived, you wouldn’t be here and my life, not to mention the lives of people your work touches, would be less than it is.” She paused to let the impact of those words register.

Josh jumped up, becoming more agitated. He really didn’t like to dwell on this part of world history, let alone his personal history.

“He was a Jew. That’s it. That’s enough. The Hitler regime wanted all Jews eradicated. End of story.”

“Ok, calm down. Tell me about him.”

Josh sighed, scrubbing his hands over his face. There was no way he was going to escape this conversation.

“He lived in Germany, near Hamburg. He attended university, studying to be a lawyer. So yes, law is a bit of a family occupation,” he smiled at that. “He lived with his parents and 2 sisters and by all accounts it was a comfortable life. Then the war started. For a while they were left alone but the rumblings of trouble were gathering momentum. Soon he was not allowed to continue at the University. Food became scarce when shop owners feared retribution if they sold to Jews. They were dark days but the family was together so that was all that mattered.” Josh paused, his eyes no longer focused on Donna and his surroundings. He was lost in memories.

“Then one night, just as they were sitting down for dinner, the door was kicked in and six SS officers stormed in. The family was dragged outside and thrown in the back of a truck. They could take nothing with them except what they were wearing. They were driven to the rail lines and, just as you’ve seen on TV, were squashed into rail trucks. My grandfather and his father were sent in one direction, his mother and sisters in another. They never saw them again.” Josh took a steadying breath. This was incredibly painful and he hadn’t verbalized any of this for years. But once he started talking, he found he’d unleashed the floodgates and it came pouring out of him.

“There had been enough talk for the family to be aware of what was happening. In the truck, my great grandmother took off her engagement ring and gave it to her son. How he managed to keep it hidden for the duration I’ll never know, but he did and it’s now an heirloom. My grandmother had it, my mother had it and hopefully, one day, you’ll wear it.” He was so lost in his memories, he really wasn’t aware of what he’d just said. However, Donna didn’t miss it and despite the initial shock that crossed her face followed by a radiant smile, she didn’t address what Josh had just said. Now wasn’t the time.

“What happened to him?”

“What do you think happened?” There was a roughness to Josh’s voice as he continued. “He lived through hell for 3 years, watched people, including his father, go to their death or die slow painful deaths that could have been avoided if food and medicines had got through. But somehow he avoided the gas chambers and was liberated when the Russians arrived in January 1945. After a few months he escaped Europe, sailed to America and built himself a new life. He finished his studies, married my grandmother and raised his family. They lived a quiet suburban life but there was always something in his eyes, he was haunted by something. As I got older, he often talked to me about his experiences in Birkenau. He said people should never forget the cruelty one group of people could inflict on another. He said you had to learn from history in order to prevent such inhumanities occurring again. He was a remarkable man. I still miss him.”

Josh seemed to have finally run out of steam. Donna got up and enveloped him in a hug.

“Thank you. And I think you’re quite remarkable,” Donna whispered.

“Only quite remarkable?”

Donna breathed a little easier as “her” Josh started to come back to her.

“Well, that’ll do for today. Maybe tomorrow I’ll elevate you to ‘totally’ remarkable.”

As they fell back into their usual banter Josh asked “I’m still not sure why you wanted me to talk about all this now?”

Donna knew she needed to choose her words carefully. “I think it’s got something to do with your difficulty sleeping.”

“Donna honestly, if I was going to have to issues with this, don’t you think it would have happened years ago?” Josh demanded.

“Yes, and you probably did deal with your feelings a long time ago but something has happened to stir this up again.”

“Seriously, nothing has happened,” Josh was beginning to sound impatient.

“No maybe nothing has happened but something is about to,” Donna looked warily at Josh.

“Am I going to have to start calling you Stanley?”

”Well that would be a bit kinky but if it works for you…” Donna misdirected.

“Donna,” Josh looked steadily at her. “What’s going on?”

Donna chewed on her fingernail, a sure sign she was uncertain of what she was about to say. “I saw your schedule for the next few months. I think there is an upcoming event that is stirring up old memories and feelings.”

“Really? Tell me Yoda, what have you decided is the cause of my problem?” Josh joked.

At Josh’s teasing tone, Donna burst into tears. Josh was stunned. He had been relying on their old and familiar banter to ease the tension. As he gathered into his arms the woman who meant more to him than anything, he thought his heart would break. He mentally kicked himself for being so flippant and not recognizing the depth of Donna’s worry. He let her sob onto his chest while he caressed her head. As the tears lessened Josh apologized. 

“Now tell me,” he quietly asked.

“The President’s attendance at the Holocaust Memorial Museum for International Holocaust Remembrance Day.”


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Josh sat in stunned silence. Donna’s words reverberated inside his head.

“The President’s attendance at the Holocaust Memorial Museum for International Holocaust Remembrance Day.”

Josh knew the President had been asked to attend and speak at the US Holocaust Memorial Museum in DC’s annual International Holocaust Remembrance Day ceremony. The UN had declared January 27th as the date for this remembrance as it was the date of the liberation of Auschwitz-Birkenau. The museum was to hold a candle lighting ceremony and the President had been asked to speak on the importance of remembrance. 

“C’mon, Donna. Why would this be bothering me now? I’ve lived with this my whole life. It’s a part of who I am but I don’t have any lingering issues.”

“No? I seem to recall hearing you, years ago, arguing with Jeff Breckinridge. Something about your beef being with the Germans and you said “You’re damn right it is.”

Josh slumped on the floor, back against the sofa Donna was sitting on. She maneuvered herself so that he was reclining between her legs and she gently began massaging his shoulders.

“We live with this. It’s become a part of our history. But we have a choice. To accept it, remember it and move on with our lives or live in anger and hatred, seeking revenge and retribution. Most of us choose the former,” he said smilingly.

Donna kissed the top of his head. “And that’s the right thing to do but I think you need to be a bit more proactive. For unknown reasons, this upcoming visit has stirred something buried inside you and I’m going to help you get through this. You know that, don’t you?”

Josh smiled. He knew he wasn’t alone and that Donna would be right alongside of him, as always, as he dealt with this issue.


	6. Chapter 6

Ch 6

A few days had passed. It was a cold Sunday in early November and Josh and Donna were lazing around the apartment. The papers had been read and shared, a short burst of energy saw the bathroom cleaned, the dishwasher unstacked and the clean washing sorted and put away. They settled back on the sofa to enjoy some quiet time. Josh had definite ideas as to how they should spend their time but unknown to him, Donna had other ideas. As she toyed with the buttons on his shirt, she launched into another difficult conversation.

“Josh, have you ever been to Germany?”

He pulled back from her and stared wide-eyed as though she’d lost her mind.

“You might want to rethink that question.”

Donna momentarily looked uncomfortable as she realized how thoughtlessly she’d worded her question. She quickly squashed any painful memories. This was about Josh, not her.

“Let me rephrase that. Apart from time in military hospitals, have you ever spent time in Germany?”

“No.”

“So the first time you ever set foot in Germany was when I was injured?” Donna stated more than asked.

“Yes.”

“Had you ever wanted to go there?’

“No, not really. There have always been other places higher on my ‘must visit before I die’ list. Besides it just felt…strange.”

“Strange?”

“Kinda. I’ve never regarded Germany as the land of my paternal ancestors. My head tells me it’s wrong but…” his voice faded away.

“You only recall it as a place whose Government inflicted pain on your family,” Donna offered.

“Yeah,” Josh sighed.

“So when you flew to me in Germany, not only were you having a nutty about my potential demise but you were experiencing an emotional reaction to being the first member of your family to set foot on German soil in over 60 years.”

“No. I don’t know…maybe? It wasn’t a conscious thought. *You* were all I was thinking of. *You* were the one causing me, as you so elegantly put it,’ to have a nutty’. I wasn’t thinking about my grandfather,” Josh passionately responded.

Donna smiled. “No, perhaps not consciously but at some point your mind realized where you were and connected the dots in your subconscious. You never faced or dealt with the feelings of being in your ancestral homeland. I think it’s now coming back to haunt you and it’s stirring up a lot inside you.”

“So what do we do about it?”

Donna took a deep breath. It was now or never. “I think we should go to Germany, see where you’re family lived,” she said in a rush.

Her offer was met in silence. Josh was torn. On one hand what Donna said made sense. Maybe he needed to make peace with the past and this might be the way to do it. But he felt a degree of anxiety about Donna returning to Germany.

Donna was confused by his lack of response. “Josh,” she quietly spoke. “What do you think?”

“I think it’s a bad idea.” 

Donna’s face fell. She was sure he’d be willing to try this. Josh caught her reaction and chose his next words more carefully.

“Let me rephrase that. I think it’s a good idea but I don’t think you should come.”

“Of course I’m coming. I go where you go, remember?”

Josh was touched she wanted to embark on this journey with him.

“I just meant you have your own demons to face if you go back there. It’s not somewhere that holds the most pleasant of memories for you.” Josh found it difficult to look her in the eye.

Donna lifted his chin to force him to look at her. “My memories are positive ones. Yes, I was in pain and uncertain of what had happened and how I would deal with it. But I also remember it as the first time we admitted to each other how we felt.”

“Oh we did, did we?” Josh smirked as his arms encircled her waist. “Well I don’t recall saying anything of the kind. As for you, you were kinda loopy there for a few days. The way you kept pushing that pain relief button!! How would you know what you said?”

“It’s not what we said but what we didn’t say that I remember,” Donna replied.

“Really? The drugs allowed you to hallucinate entire conversations?”

Donna thumped him on the upper arm. “Josh, you walked away from the White House to come to me when I was in trouble. You stayed until you knew I was safe. I think the cat was out of the bag at that point. So that’s my memory of Germany and it’s the best kind of memory. Everything else pales into insignificance.” 

Josh hugged her tighter. “Just so there’s no confusion, I’ll say it again. I love you,” he placed a gentle kiss on her lips. “I guess we’ve got conversations we need to have with the President and First Lady!”


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Another passion of mine is genealogy. That helps when writing something like this.  
Chapter 7

Their flight landed in the early evening. They quickly cleared customs and immigration and a driver was waiting to take them to the hotel. Even though this was a private visit, their roles as Chiefs of Staff for the Santos’ allowed them a few perks and this was one they were happy to take advantage of.

When Josh had gone to President Santos with his plans, he was pleasantly surprised to hear how quickly and enthusiastically Santos had approved his plans.

“Josh, you get no argument from me – family is important. But it’s also important to have a sense of where you’ve come from, an understanding of your roots. Helen’s researched her family history, did you know that? She traced it back over 300 years. She says it gives her roots, gives her a sense of belonging to a bigger picture. So go. Learn. Just make sure you come back,” he smiled.

As Josh turned to leave, the President spoke “You know I’d still drive you to the airport if I could. But the men in black get a little jumpy when I make statements like that.” The grin on both their faces spoke volumes.

So Josh and Donna had no problems in taking a few vacation days and adding them to the Thanksgiving weekend. A week would be plenty of time to do all they had planned.

A call to his mother had seen the Lyman family papers couriered to his apartment. Amongst them was the birth certificate of his grandfather which supplied the address where the family was living at the time. A call to the relevant offices in Germany and he’d established the house was in fact still standing – a small miracle in a city that had suffered it’s share of air raids. This was to be their starting point.

After breakfast (“See Josh, no frankfurters or sauerkraut,” Donna joked) they headed out. They’d decided to walk as a means of getting over jetlag as well as allowing them to gain a feel for the city. As they followed the map, Donna discreetly kept an eye on Josh. She really wasn’t sure how he was dealing with this. She squeezed his hand as they approached the street. Josh suddenly stopped.

“This feels very strange. I knew my grandfather as an old man. But these streets? This is where he would have played as a boy, where he would have walked on his way to school. See these building? He would have seen these. And now I’m seeing them. I don’t know…somehow I feel closer to him.” 

Donna leaned towards him “Good” was all she said as she kissed his cheek.

They slowly approached what had been the Lyman family home. The grey stone building looked somberly down upon it’s visitors. Josh didn’t really know what to expect but the powerful sense of connection wasn’t it. He stood on the opposite side of the street silently soaking it all in. Donna pulled out her camera and took a few photos. 

“For the family album,” she said and put away the camera.

As they stood, they failed to notice a young woman approaching. She spoke to them in German, but upon seeing their blank looks, switched to English.

“Can I help you? I noticed you’ve been staring at my house,” she asked in a friendly tone. 

“You live her?” Josh spluttered. Donna quickly took control of the conversation and explained their reason for being there. The woman, who introduced herself as Anna, smiled at both of them. 

“Would you like to see inside?” she offered warmly.

Josh and Donna looked at each other, a silent conversation going on between them. A subtle nod from Josh and Donna replied, “That’d be good, thanks.”  
They entered the house. It was a small 2-story home. Living room, dining room and kitchen downstairs. Up the narrow stairs were several bedrooms and a bathroom. The house had been extensively renovated and modernized but Anna was happy to point out original fixtures. As Josh wandered through the house he could see in his mind’s eye his ancestors living here. He stood in front of the fireplace imagining his grandfather and his sisters playing nearby. The house was filled with ghosts that only he could see. He was surrounded by his family and was profoundly moved.


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: The idea of the plaque mentioned in this story is based on fact. I saw a TV program about a man tracing his Jewish ancestry in Austria so I stole the idea and transplanted it into Germany!

A/N: Thanks to Abby for checking my Yiddish for meJ The Internet can’t always be relied on for accuracy!  
Chapter 8

Anna was a great source of information.

“Have you thought about some sort of recognition for your family?”

“Recognition?” Josh wasn’t sure what she meant.

“You can have your family details inscribed on a plaque which would be attached to the front of the house. The plaque would acknowledge who lived here and when, as well as indicating they had been victims of the Holocaust.”

”I could do that?” Josh was felling a little overwhelmed.

“Definitely. The local authorities encourage it. I can give you a contact number.”

Josh and Donna said their goodbyes and returned to the hotel. Lying on the bed, Josh was very quiet as he attempted to process all he’d discovered. He realized how right people were – it felt good to be in contact with his roots. But it had been emotionally draining and without intending to, he soon nodded off to sleep. Donna let him rest. She got to work on what needed to be done to get the plaque inscribed. She made a few phone calls and as most people she spoke with were fluent in English, she’d soon determined what needed to be done. As she wrote up a checklist of things to do, she became aware that Josh wasn’t sleeping peacefully.

His tossing and turning didn’t concern her. Even in sleep it wasn’t unusual to see him fidget. It was the moans that first caught her attention. Before she knew it, he called out her name and then unrecognizable phrases. Donna reached out to caress his forehead.

“Shh. I’m here. Sleep.”

“Donna,” he shouted again, still dreaming.

Donna shook Josh a little more firmly. “Josh, you’re having a nightmare. It’s ok.”

Josh’s eyes flew open and he searched wildly until his eyes focused on Donna.

“Thank God you’re alright,” he said vehemently.

“Of course I’m alright. You, I’m not so sure about. You were speaking in tongues again.”

“Don’t. Just don’t. No jokes,” he said hoarsely.

“Sorry. Tell me about the dream.”

Josh sighed and sat up, resting against the pillows.

“We were in the house,” he began.

“Which house?”

“The one we were in today, my grandfather’s house.”

“Ok,” Donna said slowly. “What happened?”

“It was during the early days of the war.”

“And we were there?” Donna interrupted.

“Yes. Who’s telling this story?”

”You are”

“So can I continue?”

”Certainly.”

“Thank you,” he replied giving her a sideways look.

“We were there. The night the SS took away my family.”

Donna tried to hide her reaction. He’d placed them back into a traumatic event. She curled up into Josh’s side, resting one hand on his chest.

“Go on,” she encouraged quietly.

“You were being taken away from me. I called out. That’s all.”

“Do you know you called out in Yiddish?”

“Well I guess I did after your wise ass comment about speaking in tongues. Don’t suppose you can remember what I said?”

Donna paused, wrinkling her brow as she tried to recall the unfamiliar words.

“You called out my name.”

“Nothing unusual about that,” he said with a grin.

Donna smiled. She then attempted to repeat the words pronouncing them phonetically. She knew she was stumbling over the unfamiliar words but after a few moments she saw the confusion lift on Josh’s face.

He quietly spoke. ”Oy Gotenyu. Luzzem. Donna antloyfn, bahaltn zikh.” Donna looked at his face as he translated.

“God help us. Leave her alone. Donna run away, hide.”

The pain in his voice was obvious. He’d blended his present into his past.


	9. Chapter 9

Rating: R for the nature of the content

A/N: Some of you will find content in this chapter disturbing and upsetting. I should probably warn you that this chapter made my beta cry! This was an incredibly difficult chapter to write as I had to do a lot of research and then try to not make this chapter sound like a history lesson. For further information I refer you to the following website   
www.auschwitz.org.pl

A/N: The idea of Josh having his grandmother’s ring is a nice piece of fanon that the sentimentalist in me likes. I am very aware of stories of POW’s in S E Asia and Germany hiding items from their guards. I haven’t heard of similar stories from the death camps but taking into account human ingenuity and resourcefulness I find it entirely possible that items avoided detection and therefore I am more than comfortable including this idea in my story.

Feedback: My beta said this chapter would provoke much feedback. Don’t prove her wrong!

Josh and Donna’s pilgrimage across Europe continued with an early morning flight to Krakow, Poland. They both knew that Josh’s process of healing would be incomplete without a visit to Auschwitz-Birkenau and seeing the site. After picking up their rental car and then checking into their hotel, they decided to relax and sightsee before facing the difficult day that was ahead of them tomorrow.

Donna, concerned that Josh was brooding, curtailed her natural curiosity and called a halt to the sightseeing. 

“I think we should head back to the hotel,” Donna stated.

“Why? I thought you’d enjoy showing me the sights of Krakow and filling my head with facts I really didn’t need.”

“Yeah, I do but I’m a little tired, tomorrow is going to be a demanding day and I thought we could just spend the afternoon lying around our hotel,” Donna said nonchalantly trying to make it sound as though she was the one in need of R&R.

“I could get behind that idea,” Josh said as he leaned in to give her a quick kiss. Donna reached out and brought him back to her for a deeper kiss. 

“Donna!” Josh protested, “We’re in public!”

“Then let’s take this somewhere more private,” Donna murmured as she looked at him with smoky eyes.

They spent the rest of the day in their hotel room, together enjoying the large Jacuzzi tub and making love several times. Wearing only the complimentary bathrobes, they ordered room service and watched comedy movies on the TV. As they drifted off to sleep, Donna’s head resting on Josh’s chest, she heard him whisper “Thank you. I couldn’t do this without you.” Donna didn’t reply but snuggled closer to him as Josh gently stroked her head.

Hoping to be at the site before the busloads of tourists descended, they rose early to drive to the museum. Donna closed the car door, Josh’s movements catching her eye. She looked on in amazement as he took a yarmulke out of his pocket and placed it on his head. She’d never seen him wear one; in fact she’d never realized he owned one. Josh looked up at her, self-conscious but defiant.

“My grandfather was here because he was a Jew. I owe it to him, to all of them, to come here today as a Jew. I don’t think I could look at myself in the mirror if I hid who I am, in this of all places.”

“You probably couldn’t look at Toby either,” she commented.

As he took her hand, he agreed.

They entered the museum. As they were travelling independently, they were free to take themselves through the site without a guide. The area was divided into 2 distinct areas 3 kilometres apart – Auschwitz 1 and Auschwitz 2-Birkenau. Auschwitz 1 was the location for the first camps where the first human experiments and the first murdering of mass transports of Jews took place. It was also the administration area of the camp. Josh and Donna wandered silently through the permanent exhibitions viewing displays that explained the 2 purposes of the camp (Concentration camp for many nationalities and place of execution for Jews), living conditions and perhaps most hauntingly a display of items confiscated from Jews on their arrival. The display of items such as reading glasses, bowls, shoes etc were disturbing enough but both stopped in horror at the collection of almost 2 tons of human hair, shorn from victims. 

“That could be…” Josh began.

“Don’t say it, don’t even think it,” Donna tried to reassure him.

As they headed out, they held even more tightly to each other’s hand.

Walking towards the location of Birkenau, Josh became even more withdrawn. Donna didn’t push him to talk. She knew he would when he was ready. Besides, she was having enough trouble processing everything she’d seen. It must be harder for him. Birkenau was the location of most of the mass extermination of approximately 1 million Jews. It was very likely the resting place of several family members.

This part of the camp was particularly haunting and horrifying. The barrenness of the land and the miles of fences also helped to convey the cruelty inflicted here.  
They wandered through ruins of gas chambers, wooden barracks and storehouses where confiscated items taken from Jews on arrival were stored until they were either shipped to Germany or destroyed shortly before the camp was liberated. Josh thought of his great grandmother’s ring. How easily it could have ended up here, lost to his family forever. Again he marvelled at the ingenuity of his grandfather in being able to successfully hide the ring. 

At one point they were the only visitors inside one of the ruined brick barracks. 

“You know, this is all quite eerie. Maybe my grandfather slept here, who knows? I can’t begin to understand what he went through and the determination he had to survive,” Josh spoke quietly. Donna looked at him to see tears glistening his eyes. She wasn’t immune to it either.

There were two more places Josh wanted to visit. One was the Judenrampe, the railroad tracks between both camps where countless transports arrived. Parts of the tracks and platform had been restored and two original cattle trucks were also on display.

“Why did you want to be sure to visit this?” Donna asked.

“Remember I told you my grandfather and his father were separated from the women? I was doing some reading and this is probably where it happened. The women were usually removed and killed right away. Or worse.”

“Worse?”

“Yeah, taken for ‘experiments’ or such things,” Josh could barely disguise the disgust in his voice.

“I can see in my mind’s eye what it must have been like. Can you imagine the anguish they suffered as they were separated, not knowing if they would ever see each other again? In my worst nightmare, I am being sent one way and you and my mother are being sent another. I wouldn’t have made it easy for them. I would have fought so hard to keep you with me and keep you both safe.” Josh’s voice was cracking with emotion.

“You’ve always tried to protect me, you would have looked after me back then too,” Donna was also trying to control her tears.

“But I wouldn’t have succeeded. Nobody did. How did my great grandfather live with the guilt of not being able to save his wife and daughters?”

Donna couldn’t think of how to reply so she did the next best thing. She enveloped Josh into a hug and tried to convey everything she was feeling.

The final place to visit was known as the Sauna Buildings. They slowly and sombrely walked through exhibitions that outlined the process newly arrived prisoners went through. Numbers were assigned which were tattooed onto forearms, striped clothing issued and hair removed from all over the body. As they moved through to the final display a wall of photographs confronted them. The board explained these photos were photos of family members etc taken from prisoners when they arrived. Donna found Josh standing in front of it, tears streaming down his face.

“One of these people could be a relative. But I don’t know. I’ll never know. Their image is lost to me forever. There is no one alive who can tell me. I could be staring at an aunt, a cousin and I don’t know,” the anguish in his voice was obvious.

Donna’s heart was breaking for Josh as he grappled with all of this.

“Their face may be lost to you but you’re here today remembering and as long as people continue to remember, they will never be forgotten,” Donna said vehemently.

A guide walked by and overheard their conversation.

“Excuse me, I don’t mean to interrupt. I couldn’t help but hear what you were saying. Did you have family interred in Birkenau?”

“Yes, my great grandparents, my grandfather and his sisters.”

“Did they survive?” she asked.

“Only my grandfather. Why?” Josh was curious.

“Did you know we have an archive here and there may be some record of your family?”

Josh was stunned and at the same time excited. The possibility of finding some answers was very tempting.

“Is it open to the public? Donna inquired.

“Yes it is but don’t get your hopes up. Many documents were destroyed and it’s very likely you may find no reference to anyone, especially the female family members,” warned the guide.

“Why?” Josh asked.

“Many women were taken to the gas chambers as soon as they arrived. No record was ever created for them. As far as the authorities were concerned, they were never here.”

With this sombre thought, Josh and Donna headed back to the main visitor area. They found the research facility and pushed open the door. After explaining why they were there, they struck an obstacle. Apparently they needed a letter of introduction! Not being prepared for such a situation, they realised they would need probably need to hire a researcher to work on their behalf. As they moved away from the counter the receptionist asked for their names.

“Josh Lyman and Donna Moss,” Josh supplied.

The receptionist smiled and started to search on her computer.

“Mr Lyman, you’re in luck. We received a letter of introduction for both of you yesterday.”

Josh and Donna looked at each other in confusion. “Are you sure? How…”

“It seems the President of the United States holds you in high regard and we are to give you any assistance we can,” she smiled as she answered their puzzled faces.

“Well, we can’t get a better introduction than that,” Donna stated dryly.

With the assistance of one of the archivists, they spent several hours searching databases and documents. They found no record of Josh’s great grandmother and great aunts. It would seem they hadn’t survived long after their arrival at the camp. Searching the Camp Death Book, a collection of 70 000 death certificates, they found his great grandfather. Listed as David Leimann, he had died in 1943 from typhoid. This information was new to Josh.

“Leimann?” queried Donna.

“Lyman is the anglicised version of Leimann. My grandfather changed the spelling when he settled in the States,” explained Josh. 

Donna said nothing. She hadn’t known that. As they searched volumes of personal documents of prisoners, they found a few references to Josh’s family. It seemed they had both been viewed as strong, healthy men and required to do hard physical labour. A few records listed some of the work they were involved in and mentioned a few trips to the camp hospital. Armed with copies of relevant documents, Josh and Donna walked out of the museum. 

“Give me a minute. I’ll meet you at the car,” Josh said as he squeezed her hand reassuringly. Donna knew he needed some time to himself and headed off, giving him some space.

Josh stood facing the gates of the camp. All he’d seen and learned today was swirling around in his mind. He felt raw and he was aware of tears forming.

“ Zayde, I came. I think I understand a little better all those stories you told me years ago. I can’t begin to understand what it was like for you here but it has helped me to come here,” Josh spoke out loud, wanting to hear the words echo in this space.  
“I didn’t even know I needed to come here but Donna knew. She’s been incredible. I wish you’d known her. I wouldn’t say this to anyone else because, you know, they might give me a hard time, but she’s my soulmate. I think you might understand what I mean. You had a soulmate too. I want to give her our ring, if that’s ok with you?” his voice cracking. It was almost as though he was seeking permission, a blessing from his ancestors. “Some sort of sign?”

Josh really didn’t expect a thunderbolt or any other corny, clichéd sign. But suddenly from behind, he heard Donna’s voice fighting to control a complaining tone.

“Joshua, I’m cold. Take your shiksa girlfriend home.”

Well if that wasn’t a sign, he didn’t know what was!


	10. Chapter 10

Rating: R, definitely R!

A/N: After all the angst, this chapter is completely different in tone! The banter in the second half of this chapter would probably be the most fun I’ve had writing JD!

A/N: I’m including the epilogue in this posting. It was too short to stand alone. 

Feedback: Thank you for all the wonderful feedback. If you haven’t sent any yet, this is your last opportunity…

Chapter 10

After their visit to Auschwitz, both Josh and Donna slept well that night. They’d been too exhausted to eat much dinner, grabbing a quick bite in the hotel bar before dragging themselves back upstairs to fall into bed and a deep sleep. 

Donna became aware of a sensation of feathers dancing across her skin. Slowly coming into consciousness she processed the fact that it wasn’t feathers creating this delightful sensation. Josh’s fingers were lightly tracing circles on various parts of her body. A contented sigh came from deep down as she lazily opened one eye. What she saw almost took her breath away. Josh was turned towards her, one arm bent and supporting his head as he looked at her with clear eyes that made no attempt to hide his desire for her. The sheet was draped loosely across his hips revealing his bare chest to her.

“Good morning,” he murmured.

“Morning. Did you sleep well?”

“Very! I haven’t slept that deeply in a long time,” he replied, continuing to tease her skin with his fingertips.

Donna was finding it hard to concentrate.

“We fly home tonight. I suppose we should get up and go sightseeing,” Donna was breathing quite erratically now.

“Mmm. I’d rather see the sights here,” Josh commented noticing that as he traced patterns on the inside of her forearm, the hairs on her arms stood to attention. He didn’t think he’d have trouble convincing her of the merit of his idea!

Donna, feeling her body begin to respond to Josh’s ministrations, leaned towards him to capture his lips in a searing kiss. Josh quickly took control and rolled himself so he was almost lying on top of her as they continued to alternate between passionate and gentle kisses. He quickly divested her of the silky nightgown she wore. Palming a breast in one hand, he trailed kisses down her body capturing the nipple of the other breast in his mouth. Donna arched up towards him as she ran her hands over his back, unable to stop herself moaning. He looked up at her with a wicked grin and headed south. He spent quite a bit of time using his tongue for a purpose she’d only ever dreamed about prior to their relationship. One of Donna’s hands clutched at the sheets and the other wound itself into Josh’s hair as she shuddered her release.

Josh kissed his way back up her body.

“You doing ok, there?” he smirked.

“More than ok, thank you,” Donna was almost purring.

“I wanted to do something nice for you,” Josh smiled.

“That was very nice but I don’t think we’re finished yet,” said Donna with a sultry laugh.

She put pressure on Josh’s shoulders pushing him back onto the bed as she rolled on top of him. For a while neither was aware of anything except each other as the sensual kisses they shared built in intensity and passion. The only noise was the sound of their moans and gasps as they reacted to what each one was doing to the other. 

“Donna,” Josh gasped, “For God’s sake, now!” and with that Donna lowered herself onto Josh. They stayed like that for a moment before Donna panted, “Wait.” 

Josh was almost past coherent thought “What?” 

“Sit up, I want to sit up,” Donna instructed. As he followed her directions, she again lowered herself onto him, wrapping her long legs around behind him. As he gently thrust up into her and she rocked her hips in time with him, they never took their eyes from each other. It was an incredibly intimate position and the connection between them was palpable. Everything they’d shared over the last few weeks had brought them here and as Josh faced his past, he only saw his future. The intensity of their orgasms saw them both collapse against each other, exhausted.

Finally Donna got out of bed and headed to the bathroom. Returning to the bedroom she caught Josh dashing back into bed with a guilty look on his face, as though he’d just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

“What are you up to Josh?” Donna gently asked.

“Nothing,” he replied, still looking uncomfortable.

“What’s in your hand?” she demanded as she sat on the edge of the bed. Josh was obviously trying to hide something behind his back.

Knowing he’d been caught, he brought his hand to the front.

‘I want you to have this,” Josh said as he uncurled the fist his right hand had made. Donna looked down to see a sparkling diamond and ruby ring in his hand. She knew it was the family ring.

“What do you want me to do with it? Hide it in a sock drawer? Sell it so we can fly home first class?”

“What? No! I want you to wear it,” he said almost indignantly.

“Why?”

“You know why.”

“Yes, but I’d like to hear you say it.”

“If you know it, you don’t need me to say it.”

“Yes, I do. I’m not letting you be ‘you’ with this.”

Josh looked thoughtful. “A while back you said my family was your family. I want you to know that if my family is your family, then your family is my family so that would make us…”

“Related!”

Josh looked exasperated. Donna tried again.

“Family?”

“Yes,” he said triumphantly.

“Not good enough”

“Being a family isn’t good enough?”

“No. Wait. I mean, yes. Oh for heaven’s sake, you’re confusing me.”

“Makes a change. So if we’re a family that means that one day, we’d have our own family.”

“I suppose that’s a logical assumption.”

“I can be logical. I like logic. So if you wore my ring, this logical conclusion may eventuate?”

“Josh, it takes more than wearing a ring to make that happen. Don’t you remember your high school sex ed classes?”

Josh looked at her. This was so not going the way he’d hoped.

“Say it Joshua.”

“All right! Will you marry me?”

”Do you think you could say it so it doesn’t sound as though you’ve been coerced!”

“Donna,” the frustration in his voice was obvious.

“Please,” she said.

He leant over and trailed a path of feather light kisses along her neck and jaw, ending near her ear. “Will you marry me?” he whispered.

“See, that wasn’t so bad, was it?”

“DONNA! Can I have an answer, please?”

“Yes.”

“Yes I can have an answer?”

“Yes, I’ll answer you and the answer is ‘Yes’.”

 

Epilogue

January 27th, National Holocaust Museum, DC

Josh quietly entered the solemn, simple space of the Hall of Remembrance. His mother held his arm while Josh held Dona’s hand. His finger unconsciously rubbed the ring on her finger, giving him strength.

Although the President was here on an official visit, Josh had asked to attend as a member of the public. President Santos had been only too happy to permit this. He knew that Josh needed to be here today for personal reasons and not be distracted by the formalities required by his position on such an occasion.

The President moved to the podium to speak, the eternal flame in front of him, a focus for those in attendance. His words of tribute to survivors who were an example of human resilience and who traveled difficult roads to rebuild their lives were humble in their simplicity. His acknowledgement of the need to unite people in memory of this time as a means to preventing such human suffering from happening again were inspirational in their passion.

As the ceremony moved to its closure, the public moved forward to place candles in the niches of the outer walls. Josh, Donna and his mother each held a lit candle. They stepped forward and together gently set down their candles. Donna squeezed Josh’s hand as she felt, rather than saw, the emotion crossing his face. Quietly Josh spoke. “Shalom”. That was all that needed to be said.


End file.
